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© 2017 by Jalene Denae. Proudly created with Wix.com

  • Denae Beedlow

Having Hayes.

Having Hayes was a beautiful memory I'll never forget and will always cherish. Like any other mom, the feeling is the best you'll ever have. Holding your baby for the first time, smelling their sweet smell, seeing their tiny features that mimic your own, hearing their cry and counting their fingers and toes is a true blessing. And after all your body goes through for 10 months and during the hours of labor, it's these moments that make it all worth it.

(Photo By: Patty's Perfect Pictures)

(Photo By: Patty's Perfect Pictures)

You've read about my pregnancy on here or maybe on Facebook or Instagram but all the pain and discomfort I went through didn't prepare me for what I experienced through labor and after. I feel like moms don't talk about the bad enough, they don't prepare you for things that could happen, go wrong, be strange... all we read is about the good. And the GOOD definitely outweighs the bad. However if you're like me, maybe your curious, maybe you actually want to know the possibilities, the gross things that happen and mentally prepare. I will say, nothing you read here today will prepare you enough, describe the feelings as accurate as possible, or keep you sane and emotionally ready for what you will experience as a first time mommy!

Now for me my labor was very short only 8 hours actually, which is NOT common for first time mom's. I like to say is genetics because my mom had three fast labors and always went into labor on her own, as did I but I'm not sure because they also say stretch marks are genetics and I didn;t get a single one. I had Hayes at 1:50 PM on July 12, 2018. I pushed for only 50 minutes and my epidural wore off 3 times!

I probably just freaked you out, but you should know that an epidural isn't promising for all, There is a small chance that you will be like me, metabolize the medicine too fast and it simply just doesn't work. IF THIS DOES END UP BEING YOU, ASK FOR A SPINAL TAP. My labor went way too fast that I didn't get the chance for a spinal, so I felt every little thing, but if you plan ahead they can give you one! Have it in your birth plan or tell the nurses upon arrival that you'd like it as a back up! I'd like to note, having Hayes completely natural wasn't as bad as I dreamed. Yes it hurt but honestly I blacked out and became SUPER WOMAN. I'm extremely proud of myself! If you know me at all, you know I'm the world's biggest wimp, I cry if I cut my nails too short..embarrassing but the truth. And I, me of all people, did this and I did it in 50 minutes which felt like 20 minutes to me! It was the best experience ever, honestly. I will probably do it again this way.

After birth, the weeks of recovery have been the worst for me. It's like your on your period for a whole month. You can't wear a tampon and your body is just aching al over. The only way I know how to describe it, is it felt like I got ran over by a car multiple times and someone had to put all my limbs back on. That bad. I couldn't walk, Matt literally did everything for me...almost EVERYTHING. Prepare your husbands and significant others and if they can't handle it befriend your nurses! Nurse were my lifesaver even though Matt was the biggest help! Also if yo tear like I did, prepare for stitches (dissolvable) and lot;s of burning! Invest in the Dermoplast Spray and take everything you see from the hospital! It's not stealing you paid for it or will be paying for it, so take it and use it! It will save you more money and it's just way better than anything from the store.

**SIDE NOTE: Take a pair of pajamas that are button down, This is best for breast feeding and the gowns from the hospital, let's face it, SUCK! and your butt hangs out the whole time and when your wearing granny panties, that's the last thing you want shown.**

(Photo By: Patty's Perfect Pictures)

Now for the hard part and if you're not up for hearing something sad that happens more frequently than you think... STOP READING HERE!!!!

I've been posting about how traumatic my delivery was with Hayes, and it was. I wasn't talking about my epidural not working. I was actually talking about a moment you NEVER hear about which was when my son was completely unresponsive. They call this shock.

This was a moment that I never imagined happening, never thought possible, didn't even realize was a real thing...a moment where my heart shattered because I literally thought my baby was lifeless. The sad part is, I know girls that this has happened to, that didn't get to bring their baby home, that lost a part of themselves when their baby didn't make it and STILL I was NAIVE, I just didn't think I would ever feel an ounce of their pain or ever understand what they truly went through and part of me still doesn't because in the end Hayes did come home.

Even though I only pushed for a short time, I got tired fast and hayes ending up getting stuck. At the same time he got stuck was the same time I was ready to give up, my body was exhausted, Not only had I come in the night before I had him in "False labor" which I now know is just pre-labor and just as intense as real labor. But I had come back in not even 24 hours later in full on labor and was drained, Emotionally and physically, or so I thought, I had the best nurse who kept getting on me like a coach, telling me I could do this and I was strong enough. She was amazing. Not only did I have the best nurses, I had the best doctor who s so patient and sympathetic. However, in the moment that Hayes was stuck his heart rate was dropping. I could hear it on the monitor and I could tell that everyone in the room was beginning to look nervous and lose their "poker face".

When both my doctor and nurse looked at me and said, "you must get him out now, so you need to push as hard as you can and then more or it's going to get serious", I think was the moment it really hit me that something was wrong.

But I gave it all I had and my son was born. I was relieved, until it got worse.

The feeling I felt is indescribable. When you look at your fiancé and ask if your baby is okay and he doesn't answer, yet tears are running down his face, your heart drops. Here you are just going through the toughest thing of your life and most beautiful moment..and you make eye contact with your significant other and you stop being happy. I knew those tears streaming down his cheeks were not happy tears. My mind was going in a million different directions, I was still partly in an "out of body" experience and I was so confused.

I then laid eyes on my baby. My baby was purple, not blue. He wasn't screaming or crying, not a peep was he making. The 15 nurses and doctors who rushed in my room were working and what was only 30 seconds seemed like a lifetime. To realize that your baby is not going to make it, is the absolute worst feeling you'll ever experience. To see the pain on your child's fathers face, is gut wrenching. You'll blame yourself. I did. I was screaming "I'm sorry, I did this, I'm so so sorry". And at the same time I was trying to not lose hope. "In the movies this happens all the time and they're all okay" is what I kept telling myself. But then at the exact same time I was questioning GOD and his plan. I had to turn away, I shut my eyes. I started praying to GOD instead of questioning him. I was begging him to let me live this journey out, let me continue with the joy and motherhood. If anything to not take this from Matt. Don't make him suffer, he can't handle it.

Luckily just as I finished my prayer, I heard a little tiny noise. I saw Matt perk up and his lips begin to form what seemed like a smirk and then a smile, But I didn't want to let myself get excited. What if that noise was a wheel on a bed coming down the hall or a squeak of the nurses shoe... what if it wasn't my baby...but then I heard a louder shriek. This time I wasn't afraid to look in the direction I had seen my baby before. And when I looked I saw a nurse bringing my baby in our direction. She laid Hayes on my chest and we both cried. We cried loud, and Matt's tears turned to the most joyous tears I'd ever seen. The nurse was crying, my doctor was relieved and my family was perfect and perfectly safe. Our baby was going to stay with us and we were the lucky ones, Just like that we had gone through a roller coaster of emotions.

Needless to say Matt and I fought the remainder of the days we were in the hospital, not real fighting, but we were both wanting Hayes all to our selves after what we had experienced, so we were fighting over who did what and who got to do the next diaper change. We never put him down and I didn't sleep a wink because I was so afraid to take my eyes off of him. We were both so selfish, rightfully so and we were both so happy. And I also want to mention that my experience at my hospital and with all my doctors and nurses was more than amazing! I only wish I could have changed what my own body did and Hayes going into shock.

(Photo By: Patty's Perfect Pictures)

To experience something like this as first time parents, uneducated parents, and young adults, was hard, scary and life changing. It took me at least a week to put the moment behind me. I cried for at least 30 minutes every time I looked at Hayes. It's taken me nearly 3 weeks to share with you and be able to open up about. It's something neither of us will ever forget. You may think I'm being dramatic or that my story doesn't compare to another but I'm not and if you don't understand that, you will. Every story is just as scary as the next or just as happy as someone else's but the outcomes may be different. As a woman when you grow a human being in your womb for 10 months, no matter the uncomfortable pain, you're on a high. You're on top of the world. You're glowing and wondering about who your baby looks more like, what color his or her eyes will be, nesting and maturing. So to have even the slightest 30 seconds tell you a whole new story and take away everything you've done for the last 10 months is shattering.

I now will not take anything for granted with my son. Even in the moments of being frustrated over breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, I cherish his little body and little nose, his sweet chubby cheeks and his soft snoring. Hayes sleeps on my chest every night and I always said I wouldn't allow that but you just never know. You'll do anything for your baby!

To cheer you up, here are some photos of my thriving boy! And if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you! I wish you all nothing but a completely different experience than myself!

(Photo By: Patty's Perfect Pictures)

#HayesKannon #birth #labor #delivery #havinghayes #experience

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Denae Beedlow